Holy Cow, I haven't blogged in five years and one week, but who's counting? I probably would just forget this place, except that for some reason or another, 23 people found there way here just last month, so I guess I should catch things up a bit...
Where to start...

• I live near Boston, Massachusetts now. I had to learn to spell "Massachusetts"... not too hard since I have lived in Cincinnati and Albuquerque, other hard places to spell. 
• I am with my third different employer, once by layoff, once by choice. In that time I have had a multitude of different managers for various reasons: illness, layoff, retirement, etc. I left Loveland, Colorado after the 2008 layoff and stayed in Fort Collins until I found an hourly consulting gig in Lakewood, CO. While working there I lived in Golden, CO. Rapidly going nowhere in that job, I set my sail and wound up here in Boston. I'm still not sure if the sails are luffing or not.
• I am having more fun that ever with music...playing a series of open mic's in the area and getting more serious about songwriting and home recording. I've littered the internet with my efforts, including music sites on SoundCloud and ReverbNation. Search either of these sites under "CiCi Eberle" to hear some of my stuff.

I'll write more later, but there is a lot of ground to cover for my 5 year lapse. A lot of what I have to say these days is encoded in song lyrics...

For Now,

CiCi

Freedom to Marry - Why it matters to me?

My partner and I were recently asked to speak briefly at the local Freedom to Marry day rally. It is a big event in Fort Collins where several hundred folks gather in the town center for a rally with some music and speakers. The ruly mob (as opposed to an unruly mob) then marches to a local venue for a wedding reception, wedding cake and all. My partner and I have been attending for the last several years. Near the end of the rally, all of the committed partners in the crowd who are willing are invited up on stage and the total of all the years together of all the couples on the stage is tabulated and announced. Though we have just celebrated 27 years being a committed couple, we do get to claim marriage, and all of its benefits. (well, most anyway). We never have gone up on stage because is seems somehow inappropriate. Instead, we cheer and help celebrate those couples that are denied this basic human right.

We have tentatively declined the invitation to speak. Not because we don't want to do it, but there is just too much going on in our lives right now to take the time and do the public speaking justice. (For one, the band I'm in is playing at the Reception!)

But, I have been thinking about what I would say. It centers around the essential question, "Why does Freedom to Marry matter to me, a married trans woman?" Here are some of the talking points I came up with:

• To ensure the rights for all of the same sex couples I know
• To ensure the rights for all of the same sex couples I don't know
• To ensure the rights for all of the wonderful gay and lesbian people, whether I know then or not
• To ensure the rights for all of the gay and lesbian people that I don't know are gay and lesbian
• To ensure the rights for myself and my partner, given the reactive political environment in which we live, our privilege of marriage is tentative at best
• Because no one necessarily believes we are actually married. (I've known cases where HR weenies have threatened to withhold imputed-income for benefits as a consequence of a couple where one partner transition, ignoring the legality of the marriage)
• Because should are marriage falter, I can only marry a man (I am lesbian), unless in Texas, where it is not clear I could legally marry anybody.
• Because it is the right thing to do...

Dexter, Lithgow and the Low Spark

Watching Dexter last week I noticed that his boat, the one from which he dumps his dismembered victims into the gulf stream, is called the "Slice of Life". Ha Ha, slice of life referring to Dexter's MO for body disposal...

This season of Dexter is creeping me out for another reason that just its general creepiness. Actor John Lithgow, who plays this seasons mass murderer has given me my special flavor of the creeps for years. Let me explain. Years ago, when I first read Irving's The World According to Garp, I was shaken by the character in that book, Roberta Muldoon is an ex-NFL football player who also happens to be transsexual. Even though the character is fictional, my carefully constructed partitions have always been shaken when external references to transsexuality enter the picture. A few years later, in the movie, John Lithgow brought the role of Roberta to life (well, film life). Despite his wonderful acting skills, I have not been able to enjoy Lithgow's performances since.

Cultural reference to transsexualism have always made me uncomfortable and seemingly transparent. If watching such a references in a group, I have always felt like it immobilized my "shields", as if a big spotlight were pointed at me that said, "Look at her, she is in your midst!". The first instance of this "spotlight" effect I can recall was listening to Traffic's, Low Spark of High Heeled boys. For years, even hearing that as background muzak on an elevator made me suddenly "visible".

Of course, much has changed in my life. I am visible by definition. Mostly, the guilt and shame for being who I am have been vanquished. But I still can't completely enjoy Traffic or Lithgow!

Hey Old Friends - READ THIS !

Somehow you found your way here. Who is this CiCi Eberle? Yea, I used to know someone with that last name, but he was, well, a he...he was an asshole/saint/regular guy (choose one). Anyway, to provide some background on my changes, here is a copy of a pseudo form letter that I tailored and sent to many people I know around town:

I wanted to let you know about big changes in my life and its impacts on L and the kids. I am a male to female transsexual and have recently transitioned to a full time presentation of my true, female identity. My name is now Celia Camille Eberle, though I go by "CiCi" day-in and day-out.

Let me apologize advance for how impersonal it is to send you this information by eMail, but since my year of work in Vancouver, WA it has been very difficult to stay in touch. Also, I hope this news precedes anything you may have heard as neighborhood scuttlebutt, but that is hard to predict. Though I'm out at work and to many immediate neighbors and friends, I am just starting notifying old work colleagues, neighbors and other Fort Collins friends. I certainly wanted to let you know before I re-introduced myself via a chance encounter.

Let me try and answer a few obvious questions, but so much has happened over the last four years that to really do the story justice requires several bottles of wine and a few margs to boot!

Question 1: What about L and the kids ?!?

L and I are still a couple. We are exploring where things go from here in an open, honest and loving way. I am living at a separate residence in Loveland, but we still spend most weekends together up in Fort Collins.

The kids are doing great. They have been in-the-know for a couple of years now. Kate is starting her Junior year of college in Tacoma, WA. Rick just started at the local university. It took a while for Rick to get comfortable, but finally I am out to his girlfriend and her parents, his long-time buddies and his new college dorm-mate.

Question 2: Is this a recent discovery?

This is a better question for margs, but, no, I have lived with this since I was a tot in elementary school. Why now?... if not now...when? My dual identity was not serving we well or those I love. My lifetime journey of self-actualization was hopelessly blocked. The decision to transition was a long and painful one, involving several counselors, support groups, etc. I have not done this lightly.

In other, less dramatic news, I am playing in a band! Starting last January, I have been playing with CYNOVA (www.cynova.info). We gigged at Montana Pride in Kalispell and at a local fundraising event in Boulder. The other women in the band live in Lafayette and Louisville. We will be playing the Boulder Pride event, September 12 on the Pearl Street Mall. It should be a gas. Though primarily a folk rock group, they let me turn-it-up once in a while :)

Getting Out There

The world of social networking has made coming out quite a broad and interesting process. Between MySpace, FaceBook and LinkedIn, I have contact with cohorts from elementary school, high school, college(s), old workplaces(2), current workplace, current groups(CYNOVA, PFLAG, Lambda Center) and more.

I model coming out in terms of concentric rings. This process really started over 4 years ago. Here is a rough order of the circles from center to the outer rings:
1) Self, Partner, Kids, Parents, In-Laws, oldest/bestest friends
2) Workplace, organizations, in-town, local, old work colleagues, old neighbors, current neighbors
3) Geographically distant contacts: Classmates (K-12-Colleges), remote old work colleagues

I am finally updating all of my social networking sites and need a way share a communication with those people that I can't contact personally...Hence, I think I'll be posting a Hey, Old Friends blog here and directing them to it.

Weeds

Hey, did anyone see Weeds last night? There was a hilarious scene with Celia at the makeup sales meeting. The head seller insists on calling Celia, CiCi. Her pep-talk is along the lines of "CiCi is a winner and a closer and Celia is a loser." I guess it struck close to home because a month ago my name change, to Celia, went through! I'll have to admit, as a fan of the show, Celia has always been my favorite charater, even as rough as the last seasons have been on her!

Meet the Folkers

I just had to relate an experience I had yesterday. It's kind of along the fatherhood thread of discussion that's been going. My son is a graduating senior in high school this year. Last night, my partner and I went over to my son's girlfriends house to take the pre-prom pictures and meet her parents. My remaining male role in life is as public father to my son. He is fine with me, its just we haven't told his high school buddies. I will be coming out after this spring's graduation, so this is one of the last big, public rituals I need to do.

It was really weird. He is our youngest, so add to everything, the fact that this is the last time we will do this ritual before the nest is empty.

I felt like Nathan Lane in the Birdcage trying to act straight. From the manly handshake to mustering my best baritone to introduce myself by my old name, I've never felt so much like I was doing drag. I dressed as macho as I could muster, which isn't much. I did bind my breasts (if that isn't true love for my son, what is?) and wear a wool Pendleton lumberjack shirt. I took out my earrings and wore my highlighted hair in a pony tail...probably tied too high though, to contain my tapered bangs. Sitting (slouching?), legs, hand positioning, stifling the lift in my vocal expression all took conscious attention. My legs want to cross in a most unmanly way.

The upcoming graduation party itself should be interesting. My father will be here for my son's graduation. I'm out to dad but he hasn't met me, and, though I won't be wearing frocks, I won't be doing the drag king show I did last night. Hmmm...it promises to be very interesting...